I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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