you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
