We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
