I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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