last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
