my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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