if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
