I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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