i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I intend to get homeless drunk
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the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
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That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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