hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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