So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
