She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
