I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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