your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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