Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You need Xanax blowdarts
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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