as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
