We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
