Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You have to summon your inner elephant
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
