Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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