The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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