i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
