I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
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so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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