I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
