I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
