so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
