I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
