I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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