I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
