Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
