My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Yo dont text me then not text me
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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