and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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