She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
