peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
