Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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