im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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