peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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