Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
