Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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