I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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