after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
