just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
this is an emotional support booty call
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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