We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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