Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
zippers are such a cool invention
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
