Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
