I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
God, you're like boner-b-gone
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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