that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
