two words: eviction party
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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