Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
