I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
