Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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