I accidentally burped into my bong.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
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He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
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I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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