Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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