i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
