She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
