Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
