maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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