not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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